FAQs for Partners
My partner says I am making a big deal out of nothing
Addiction is a real problem with very real consequences. The goal of the addict is to protect their supply and hide their behavior which often means that they deflect blame onto you and minimize their own brokenness.
Is this my fault?
No matter what you may have been told, you did not cause your spouse's addiction. There is nothing you can do to cure their addiction and you are not able to control their addiction. The problem and the cure lie with the addict alone. Did God blame Eve for Adam’s eating of the fruit? No. We are all held accountable for our own sin. Nothing you do or didn’t do is justification for your husband drinking from the demonic well of pornography.
How can my partner be addicted to porn but not interested in sex with me?
This situation is both devastating and extremely common, and most wives interpret their husband’s lack of interest as a personal rejection. However, here’s the eye-opening truth, even if you looked and acted like the woman in pornography your husband would still act out with porn and sexually neglect you. It truly isn’t a reflection or rejection of the way that you look. Many guys, through their heavy porn use, have rewired their brains to such an extent that they are no longer able to be aroused by a real person. The term PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) describes the inability of men to achieve and erection with a real partner when they have been consuming pornography. This is a heartbreaking and confusing dynamic that many couples deal silently with for years. You may even have been told by your husband that if only you looked more like this—whatever that particular ‘this’ may be—then he would be able to get aroused by you. Not only is this cruel and untrue, but it keeps you focused on ‘improving’ yourself, rather than challenging the fact that the focus of your sexual relationship has now become about his sole-gratification through objectification, rather than on your emotional intimacy and mutual pleasure.
Could this be affecting my health?
For people who have not experienced betrayal trauma, it can be difficult to truly comprehend the depth of the devastation it causes. Everything that you are feeling is a normal and common reaction to this earth-shattering discovery. Women report many physical symptoms including hypervigilance, sleeplessness, irritability, inability to focus, depression, numbness, and obsessive thoughts. 70% of betrayed partners meet the criteria for PTSD after discovery. Discovering the existence of your spouse’s secret porn habit is not just a nasty surprise, it causes changes in the brain in the way that we perceive the world, and destroys our feeling of safety. One of the reasons that betrayal trauma from porn use is so misunderstood, and unfortunately sometimes dismissed, is that people don’t understand the impact of ‘non-physical’ or ‘online’ betrayal on the brain. God wired us for relationships, and when there is a perceived rupture in the relationship with your primary attachment figure—when you find out that your spouse has been betraying and deceiving you by arousing them-self to images of other people—your brain views it as a primal survival threat. Consequently, you literally cannot stop thinking about it. You become obsessed and preoccupied with trying to piece together all the little scraps of information to build a picture of the whole truth. This is not, as some will insist because you want to torture yourself, or your husband, with all the sordid details, this is your brain trying to make sense of your history. Without a coherent narrative of your past, it becomes impossible to predict what is going to happen in your future, and that makes you feel deeply unsafe.
What if my partner has been in their addiction for decades, can they still recover?
Absolutely, a new life is possible for anyone regardless of how deeply rooted their addiction is. 1 John 1:7 is encouraging in that it lays out the recipe for healing and does not have any caveats, i.e., it doesn’t say, “If you haven’t sinned for too long or too deeply, then you can heal”. Using the antibiotic analogy, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve had the bacterial infection, the antibiotics will still work.
Can I heal, even if my spouse chooses not to?
Your recovery does not in any way rely upon the decision your spouse makes about their own recovery. You can choose to heal, move through this and even thrive regardless of which path your spouse chooses. It is harder though as you won’t know the full damage of your husband’s addiction if he refuses to do a full disclosure and you will not have a partner as you walk through this process, but the promise of fellowship and healing of 1 John 1:7 is still true whether your husband chooses the light or remains in the darkness.
What do I do now?
Addiction thrives in isolation. The best thing you can do for yourself is seek support from people who really understand this addiction. Too often, well-meaning friends and family invalidate your instincts and minimize the problem. A betrayal trauma specialist can help you work through your shock, trauma, and anger and support you in setting healthy boundaries and creating a safety plan for the future. What I do for my clients is offer them a ‘sponsor’, i.e., a non-professional who has been through my program and is now on solid ground. This is key as you need fellowship as much as your husband. I can also provide you with a coach with experience in working with wives and a group. The best most loving thing you can do for your husband is to ‘put on your oxygen mask' by getting out of isolation and healing in community.
In addition to a sponsor, coach, and group, my wife, Rosie, has created a community for Christian women called Fight For Love Ministries. They provide resources and fellowship to show you that you are not alone, that an addiction-free marriage is possible, and that it is worth fighting for. Click on the button below to learn more.
FAQs for Partners
My partner says I am making a big deal out of nothing
Addiction is a real problem with very real consequences. The goal of the addict is to protect their supply and hide their behavior which often means that they deflect blame onto you and minimize their own brokenness.
Is this my fault?
No matter what you may have been told, you did not cause your spouse's addiction. There is nothing you can do to cure their addiction and you are not able to control their addiction. The problem and the cure lie with the addict alone. Did God blame Eve for Adam’s eating of the fruit? No. We are all held accountable for our own sin. Nothing you do or didn’t do is justification for your husband drinking from the demonic well of pornography.
How can my partner be addicted to porn but not interested in sex with me?
This situation is both devastating and extremely common, and most wives interpret their husband’s lack of interest as a personal rejection. However, here’s the eye-opening truth, even if you looked and acted like the woman in pornography your husband would still act out with porn and sexually neglect you. It truly isn’t a reflection or rejection of the way that you look. Many guys, through their heavy porn use, have rewired their brains to such an extent that they are no longer able to be aroused by a real person. The term PIED (Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction) describes the inability of men to achieve and erection with a real partner when they have been consuming pornography. This is a heartbreaking and confusing dynamic that many couples deal silently with for years. You may even have been told by your husband that if only you looked more like this—whatever that particular ‘this’ may be—then he would be able to get aroused by you. Not only is this cruel and untrue, but it keeps you focused on ‘improving’ yourself, rather than challenging the fact that the focus of your sexual relationship has now become about his sole-gratification through objectification, rather than on your emotional intimacy and mutual pleasure.
Could this be affecting my health?
For people who have not experienced betrayal trauma, it can be difficult to truly comprehend the depth of the devastation it causes. Everything that you are feeling is a normal and common reaction to this earth-shattering discovery. Women report many physical symptoms including hypervigilance, sleeplessness, irritability, inability to focus, depression, numbness, and obsessive thoughts. 70% of betrayed partners meet the criteria for PTSD after discovery. Discovering the existence of your spouse’s secret porn habit is not just a nasty surprise, it causes changes in the brain in the way that we perceive the world, and destroys our feeling of safety. One of the reasons that betrayal trauma from porn use is so misunderstood, and unfortunately sometimes dismissed, is that people don’t understand the impact of ‘non-physical’ or ‘online’ betrayal on the brain. God wired us for relationships, and when there is a perceived rupture in the relationship with your primary attachment figure—when you find out that your spouse has been betraying and deceiving you by arousing them-self to images of other people—your brain views it as a primal survival threat. Consequently, you literally cannot stop thinking about it. You become obsessed and preoccupied with trying to piece together all the little scraps of information to build a picture of the whole truth. This is not, as some will insist because you want to torture yourself, or your husband, with all the sordid details, this is your brain trying to make sense of your history. Without a coherent narrative of your past, it becomes impossible to predict what is going to happen in your future, and that makes you feel deeply unsafe.
What if my partner has been in their addiction for decades, can they still recover?
Absolutely, a new life is possible for anyone regardless of how deeply rooted their addiction is. 1 John 1:7 is encouraging in that it lays out the recipe for healing and does not have any caveats, ie, it doesn’t say, “If you haven’t sinned for too long or too deeply, then you can heal”. Using the antibiotic analogy, it doesn’t matter how long you’ve had the bacterial infection, the antibiotics will still work.
Can I heal, even if my spouse chooses not to?
Your recovery does not in any way rely upon the decision your spouse makes about their own recovery. You can choose to heal, move through this and even thrive regardless of which path your spouse chooses. It is harder though as you won’t know the full damage of your husband’s addiction if he refuses to do a full disclosure and you will not have a partner as you walk through this process, but the promise of fellowship and healing of 1 John 1:7 is still true whether your husband chooses the light or remains in the darkness.
What do I do now?
Addiction thrives in isolation. The best thing you can do for yourself is seek support from people who really understand this addiction. Too often, well-meaning friends and family invalidate your instincts and minimize the problem. A betrayal trauma specialist can help you work through your shock, trauma, and anger and support you in setting healthy boundaries and creating a safety plan for the future. What I do for my clients is offer them a ‘sponsor’, i.e., a non-professional who has been through my program and is now on solid ground. This is key as you need fellowship as much as your husband. I can also provide you with a coach with experience in working with wives and a group. The best most loving thing you can do for your husband is to ‘put on your oxygen mask' by getting out of isolation and healing in community.
In addition to a sponsor, coach, and group, my wife, Rosie, has created a community for Christian women called Fight For Love Ministries. They provide resources and fellowship to show you that you are not alone, that an addiction-free marriage is possible, and that it is worth fighting for. Click on the button below to learn more.