FAQs for Men
I use porn but so do most people. How do I know if I am addicted?
Not everyone who looks at porn is a sex addict, just like not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Take the Sex Addiction Quiz, which will give you an indication of whether an addiction is present. The most simple way of determining the presence of an addiction is ‘continuing in spite of the consequences,’ which means that you know it damages you and your wife and your marriage, but you continue to do it. In other words, you are not able to stop.
Isn't viewing porn better than having an affair?
Is snorting crack cocaine better than crystal meth? The issue is not whether one way of avoiding reality is better or worse than another, but that you are enslaved to something harming your life. In my work with wives, I can tell you that wives understand the simple reality that porn use is a form of adultery. The brain has ‘mirror neurons, ’ which is why your cortisol levels rise when you watch a scary movie. Even though the bad guy is not in the living room with you, your brain sees what you are watching as actually happening. In terms of porn, your brain does not differentiate between watching two people have sex in person and watching on screen. Also, porn damages your ability to be emotionally connected as porn gives you an immense hit of dopamine without any of the issues that come from a healthy relationship. You learn that an intense sexual high is possible and possibly preferable to the real thing. In most cases, there is deception that goes hand in hand with porn use, and true intimacy between a husband and a wife cannot happen when there are secrets. So I would argue that sexual behavior outside of your marriage, whether with a real person or through a screen, is damaging to the relationship.
I started meeting with a friend of mine once a week for accountability. I am hopeful that this will heal the porn addiction.
The problem is not porn. Porn use is your solution to the real problem, and the real problem is an 'intimacy disorder,' which means that those addicted to porn don't really know what it means to be truly intimate with another person. As long as you focus solely on stopping your porn use, you are avoiding the deeper issue which drives you to choose fantasy over reality. Meeting with a friend once a week will not get to the root of the disease, and you will end up battling the symptoms rather than eliminating the virus. You need a deeper, more rigorous fellowship than you have probably ever had.
I've tried countless times to quit; why should this time be any different?
If you have a bacterial infection, the doctor will often give you an antibiotic and tell you to take it for 10 days. If, after two days, you feel better and quit taking the medication, the infection often returns. If you then say, 'I've tried antibiotics, and they don't work,' you would only be telling a partial truth because you tried antibiotics your way, not the way they were prescribed. The same is true of recovery. We often dismiss a remedy before we've actually taken the full dose. The AA Big Book supports this, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." The key word in that sentence is 'thoroughly'. The Big Book of AA also prescribes this as the remedy, “grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty,” which is what the Bible says in 1 John 1:7, “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” The word translated as “walk” actually means to ‘conduct your life in the light’. That is the silver bullet.
What if I enter recovery only because my spouse has forced me?
Your attitude doesn't affect the outcome. If you take the antibiotics under compulsion, they will still work. The program of recovery works if you take certain steps, even if you hate every step. Every addict enters recovery with mixed motives, and most of us only partially want to give up our drug. It's okay. Many have been where you are now, and they are living purposeful, peaceful lives because they were willing to take certain steps.
My stuff is really bad. I've seen things on the internet and done things that I haven't told anyone about, and if they knew, they'd most certainly reject me.
Addiction thrives in isolation. You may allude to a problem with a friend, but nobody knows the whole truth of who you are and what you've done. This way of living perpetuates the cycle of addiction because you believe that if anyone knew the whole truth, you would be universally shunned. You are living your life according to this fear rather than living in faith. Faith is active when we choose a safe group to expose those things we hate about ourselves. Then and only then can you begin to believe that you can be respected and appreciated as a result of your truly exposing your deep need for a savior. Also, remember, you are not alone. Every addict has shameful secrets.
What do I do now?
Take the Sex Addiction Quiz to determine how addicted you might be. Ask for help from someone who understands addiction and what it takes to recover. Too often, friends or family try to help, but their well-meaning advice leaves you feeling isolated and ashamed. Fill out the 'Book a 15-Minute Consultation' form so we can have a chance to chat.
FAQs for Men
I use porn but so do most people. How do I know if I am addicted?
Not everyone who looks at porn is a sex addict, just like not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. Take the Sex Addiction Quiz, which will give you an indication of whether an addiction is present. The most simple way of determining the presence of an addiction is ‘continuing in spite of the consequences,’ which means that you know it damages you and your wife and your marriage, but you continue to do it. In other words, you are not able to stop.
Isn't viewing porn better than having an affair?
Is snorting crack cocaine better than crystal meth? The issue is not whether one way of avoiding reality is better or worse than another, but that you are enslaved to something harming your life. In my work with wives, I can tell you that wives understand the simple reality that porn use is a form of adultery. The brain has ‘mirror neurons, ’ which is why your cortisol levels rise when you watch a scary movie. Even though the bad guy is not in the living room with you, your brain sees what you are watching as actually happening. In terms of porn, your brain does not differentiate between watching two people have sex in person and watching on screen. Also, porn damages your ability to be emotionally connected as porn gives you an immense hit of dopamine without any of the issues that come from a healthy relationship. You learn that an intense sexual high is possible and possibly preferable to the real thing. In most cases, there is deception that goes hand in hand with porn use, and true intimacy between a husband and a wife cannot happen when there are secrets. So I would argue that sexual behavior outside of your marriage, whether with a real person or through a screen, is damaging to the relationship.
I started meeting with a friend of mine once a week for accountability. I am hopeful that this will heal the porn addiction.
The problem is not porn. Porn use is your solution to the real problem, and the real problem is an 'intimacy disorder,' which means that those addicted to porn don't really know what it means to be truly intimate with another person. As long as you focus solely on stopping your porn use, you are avoiding the deeper issue which drives you to choose fantasy over reality. Meeting with a friend once a week will not get to the root of the disease, and you will end up battling the symptoms rather than eliminating the virus. You need a deeper, more rigorous fellowship than you have probably ever had.
I've tried countless times to quit; why should this time be any different?
If you have a bacterial infection, the doctor will often give you an antibiotic and tell you to take it for 10 days. If, after two days, you feel better and quit taking the medication, the infection often returns. If you then say, 'I've tried antibiotics, and they don't work,' you would only be telling a partial truth because you tried antibiotics your way, not the way they were prescribed. The same is true of recovery. We often dismiss a remedy before we've actually taken the full dose. The AA Big Book supports this, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path." The key word in that sentence is 'thoroughly'. The Big Book of AA also prescribes this as the remedy, “grasping and developing a manner of living that demands rigorous honesty,” which is what the Bible says in 1 John 1:7, “But if we walk in the light as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” The word translated as “walk” actually means to ‘conduct your life in the light’. That is the silver bullet.
What if I enter recovery only because my spouse has forced me?
Your attitude doesn't affect the outcome. If you take the antibiotics under compulsion, they will still work. The program of recovery works if you take certain steps, even if you hate every step. Every addict enters recovery with mixed motives, and most of us only partially want to give up our drug. It's okay. Many have been where you are now, and they are living purposeful, peaceful lives because they were willing to take certain steps.
My stuff is really bad. I've seen things on the internet and done things that I haven't told anyone about, and if they knew, they'd most certainly reject me.
Addiction thrives in isolation. You may allude to a problem with a friend, but nobody knows the whole truth of who you are and what you've done. This way of living perpetuates the cycle of addiction because you believe that if anyone knew the whole truth, you would be universally shunned. You are living your life according to this fear rather than living in faith. Faith is active when we choose a safe group to expose those things we hate about ourselves. Then and only then can you begin to believe that you can be respected and appreciated as a result of your truly exposing your deep need for a savior. Also, remember, you are not alone. Every addict has shameful secrets.
What do I do now?
Take the Sex Addiction Quiz to determine how addicted you might be. Ask for help from someone who understands addiction and what it takes to recover. Too often, friends or family try to help, but their well-meaning advice leaves you feeling isolated and ashamed. Fill out the 'Book a 15-Minute Consultation' form so we can have a chance to chat.